do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
