I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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