Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
