T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize