I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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