if i can run in heels then i can drive
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
