You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Every concussion has its silver lining
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
