Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
