life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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