last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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