Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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