WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
