I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
