Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
