I wish I could punch you in the face.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
