So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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