he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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