I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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