I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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