Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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