Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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