aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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