You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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