I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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