Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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