how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
