i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
