If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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