I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My balls are so social today.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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