Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
