your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
