Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
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