Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
