They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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