and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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