If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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