why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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