im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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