Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
