I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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