I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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