At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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