when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
