your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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