So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Did I show you my penis last night?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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