plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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