Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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