i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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