Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize