He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is it penis luge time yet?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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