I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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