I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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