He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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