I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
