I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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