4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
