I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
