you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
