they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
