I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
