worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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